Alone in the Expanse
Expanse: a large, open area of land, water or sky. (Cambridge Dictionary)
Something happens to me when I visit my family’s farm in the Wheatbelt. As we drive away from the outskirts of Perth and into the beautiful green of the Chittering Valley, my shoulders slowly, incrementally begin to release their seemingly boundless tension. We may or may not stop at the Bindoon Bakehaus for a predictably delicious afternoon tea. As we drive further along the Great Northern Highway the scenery tends to become more dominated by the red brown dust I grew up with. The eucalyptus trees frame the highway, as do the endless reflectors guiding the nighttime traveller. Usually there is a sense of relief when we arrive; it is, after all, a drive with small children (let the reader understand). Hugs from Mum and Dad; excitement from the kids; dinner is already cooked for us to eat. Sweet relaxation for me. For a few brief days, the weight of caregiving is partially taken from me and happily lifted by the grandparents who do breakfast, who read Bible stories, who listen to the stories and the requests and cuddle the baby.
The Witnesses
The pot plant sits quietly on the kitchen bench. It’s a cactus, chosen because it is more likely to survive my “care”. It looks like an otherworldly observer. It bears witness to the fresh early light, coffee grounds spilling from the aeropress and me humming cheerfully while fighting with rebellious bits of egg shell in the frying pan. But this cactus also witnesses things which I do not want documented; bench clutter, unwashed dishes, the midnight microwave whirr for insomnia popcorn, the bored opening and closing of the fridge, a frustrated tirade and hot tears. But it doesn’t judge. It’s just there, a silent witness.
My iPhone feels more judgy. I think it knows me better than anyone. It witnesses my slide into anxiety or restless boredom, as I search for a distraction. It witnesses how many beautiful moments I’ve experienced and photographed, yet never returned to dwell on with thankfulness. It witnesses who I reply to. It also witnesses who I complain about and delay replying to. Please don’t put it on the witness list!
I Come Before the Great I Am
I come before the great I Am
When I am insecure
He is the Rock, his works are perfect,
And of this I am sure
He is the one who holds me
And truly, deeply knows me
He made me and He loves me
What should I doubt him for?