Community is beautiful and needed but I haven’t always believed this. I once thought I could grow in my faith without Christian community. So much so that I chose to leave church because I believed I didn’t “need it”. This was a selfish and prideful viewpoint, but did I see it as that at the time? Most certainly not. I was blinded by my own behaviour. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was protecting myself. I thought it’d help me to heal. I couldn’t be further from the truth.

I walk with grief and grief walks with me

sometimes I swim in it

I’m stuck

Drowning

Stuck in these feelings that I can’t reconcile

Between the what I have and what’s to come

Sorrow blossoming into empathy and compassion

Able to hold others sorrow

While learning to live amongst my own

How do you maintain your luminous colour amidst loss and grief?

I’ve been asking myself this lately. I’m not sure I have the answer, but it inspires me to keep looking for the colour. I’m learning that joy and sadness can coexist. Someone I admire once said “there’s a holiness to the sadness.” This is so true. The more I allow myself to be sad with God the more I know and understand the heart of God. I’m reminded of what Jesus said many moons ago, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4). When we mourn we’ll be comforted by God. What a beautiful promise.

Although I do question; what happens when it feels like the colour has left and it can’t be found again? How do we live the life we’re called to live, “a life to the full” (John 10:10) - when we face pain and suffering? Around two years ago, I received a life changing diagnosis. My perspective on my new normal fluctuates. Some days I feel acceptance, hope, on top of my recovery program and the symptoms are improving. Other days I feel helpless, isolated, and deeply sad.