How to Worry More in 21 Easy Steps
Story by Rebecca Marie, photography by Kym van der Plas
My fellow ruminators, worriers, and 3am spirallers, welcome!
The world may not understand your anxiety, but never fear, I’ve got you. Throughout history, there have been those who are super chill, and yeah, they may have a better time than us, but they’re also the ones who get eaten by crocodiles… Right? Anxiety helps us survive. The world will tell you to worry less, but I want us to lift our game! To that end, here are 21 easy steps to worry more. Happy spiralling!
When faced with an unexpected difficulty or hard thing, don’t stay in the present and wonder, “Do I need to deal with this today?” Instead, ask yourself, “What if?” and ponder all the terrible possibilities.
Spiralling? Good. Research all possible negative outcomes with Google and ChatGPT. Find support services and Facebook groups and Reddit subs. Imagine the possible futures in as much detail as you can. Investigate how you might deal with these hypothetical futures. Blissfully ignore the fact that your problem blindsided you on a random Tuesday.
Remember, you are not worried, you are prepared. Change the narrative, don’t call worry by its name. You are doing your research. You are seeking to first understand all the options before worrying. No one ever won a war without being prepared. Don’t be like the Trojans who didn’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Even the Bible says, “Plans are established by counsel; by wise guidance wage war.” (Proverbs 20:18)
Stay in your head. It’s more comfortable there. Do NOT allow any time to feel any underlying emotions. Feeling them will help you move through them, and we don’t want that. We want stagnation.
Forget that God says, “Do not be afraid, for I am with you,” more than 100 times in the Bible. Christians throughout history may have clung to these words, but you don’t need help. It’s not that bad.
While you’re at it, forget that God commands you to wait, to trust what you know about him when you don’t know the outcome. Forget the commands for self-control of your mind. Don’t meditate on scripture, pray, or ask God for help. You and your overactive brain have everything under control.
Don’t tell other people your problems. The aim is to burden yourself, not others. You don’t want people to talk you out of your problems. And it’s important that no one makes you laugh—stay strong, stay sullen.
Minimise your social life. You don’t have time for that—you have a lot to ponder. All this Googling and introspecting won’t just happen, you need to apply yourself.
When you socialise, it is crucial to resist the urge to be in the moment. Enjoyment will not improve your worrying! Focus on what other people think of you. Imagine your worst flaws are obvious. Scan people’s faces to see if they are upset with you. Ask yourself, “Do they secretly hate me?” Ignore the fact that the imagined criticisms from other people are the same as your inner critic. Forget that the only person who can weigh hearts and motives is the Lord.
Embrace your inner packrat and let things go around the house. This provides a wonderful opportunity to berate yourself about your questionable homemaking skills. Visual clutter always makes you feel worse; welcome the unreasonable sense of inadequacy.
Don’t restrict yourself to your original worries. You can always turn inwards and obsess over your worst flaws and failings to create more.
Talented worriers pick a theme through which to filter the world and relate all worries. For example, “There is something wrong with me.” Interpret every ambiguous signal through your chosen filter. For example, if someone sighs deeply, assume that they are upset with you because of all the things that are wrong with you. Forget that, “humility isn’t thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less.”
Exercise is not good for you. If you exercise, you’ll need to stop. You don’t need dopamine when you’re working so hard for it to leave you alone. You don’t need to steward your body. You might have an injury that could make it hard to exercise? You don’t want to aggravate it. What if you injure yourself?
Seek reassurance from family and friends. Make sure to disagree with their reassurances.
Stop doing anything that brings you joy. To be a true, elite worrier you must cease anything you do for pleasure. Put down your pens and plans. Berate yourself for doing anything unproductive.
One caveat: a phone is okay. This will help you a) pursue potential alternative futures, b) generate new fears, and c) distract you from doing anything you really enjoy.
Stay up late to worry in the quiet of night with nothing to distract you. It helps if you take your phone to bed with you.
Don’t restrict yourself to worries about the future or worrying about what other people think about you. You can also look into the past with regret! Remember all the times you failed to be kind or thoughtful or patient. Forget grace and forgiveness. Repeat after me: you are the worst.
Hopefully by this point, your home has reached such a state that shame sets in and the desire to have people visit has lessened. You are now ready for a “sad cave.” Extra points if you don’t go outside but restrict yourself to a small area of the house.
Close the blinds.
Congratulations! You’ve lifted your worry into a full blown depressive episode! Remember if anyone asks, “I’m fine.”
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Rebecca Marie—Founder of Stories
Rebecca is married to Zac and they have three boys. She became a Christian at 18 years old after someone read the gospel of Luke with her. She is the founder of Stories I’d Tell You at Dinner and The After Dinner Mint podcast. She is a regular contributor to Part Time Poets and The Gospel Coalition Australia. Her spiritual gift is losing things. You can read more at The Sunday Morning Snuggle.