Who Am I Now?

By Bethany Smith

Photo by Kym VdP

This is me. Running. Feet pounding the pavement as the sun rises, warm breath clouding the cool morning air. Music beating in my ears—wakening my brain from the haze of sleep. I take my time. I extend my route on a whim. I sprint the final stretch home. I stretch my limbs. I watch the news while getting ready for the day.

This is me. I walk alone and chat on the phone. Or I listen—to anything and everything. To podcasts, music, sermons, books. Consuming them indiscriminately. I walk on the sand, through the bush, up a hill. I pause to admire the view. I savour the peace of the morning, the laziness of the afternoon or the relief of the evening. Thoughts swirling, ideas beginning.

This is me. I swim laps. The silence of the pool drowns out all noise. I’m hypnotised by the rhythm of my strokes.

This is me. I rock climb with a sibling or my spouse. My thoughts consumed by the next hold.

This is me. I squat through a pump class. I run on the treadmill. I use the machines. It’s sweaty, mindless, glorious.   

This is me. I breathe through Pilates. The micro movements that make my muscles ache.

Is that me or was that me? Who am I now?

This is me. I run with the pram. It’s heavy up the hill. The baby babbles sweetly. Hmm, the baby wails loudly. I head home. I run after the children. I run to prevent them crossing the road, to comfort them after a fall, to catch them in a game of ‘chasey.’

This is me. I stride to school for drop off. I carry the insistent toddler home, her scooter sleeps on the pram I push. I walk all day around the house. I walk at night—to their room and back. I walk along the sand—little hands deposit broken shells into my palm to safeguard. I walk to the car—little hands in mine to safeguard.

This is me. I swim at the pool. Squeals of delight as they take turns jumping into my ready arms.

This is me. I hold their hands while they climb my legs—and flip. I hold their waist so they can swing the monkey bars. I hold their bags because their hands are full of gumnuts.

This is me. I squat with 12kgs on my hip. I wrestle a child into a car seat, a pram, a nappy. I pin them down to clean their nose. I restrain them from hitting their sibling.

My arms are strong, but I huff and puff up the stairs. I wonder about my core strength. I’ll try do YouTube Pilates tonight. I stretch my body while on the floor playing blocks. It needs it. I stretch while reaching for their water bottle behind the driver’s seat. I stretch for the ball under the couch. I stretch over the cot to tuck them into bed at night—to kiss their precious cheek.

And then I shower. It washes the blood, sweat, tears and vomit away. I wonder who I am. Who am I now?

I sigh contentedly. I am his. He who is the same yesterday, today and forever is who I live for yesterday, today and forever. That is all that matters.

My weary body sleeps after a good day’s exercise. No need to set the alarm for tomorrow’s early morning workout. 

If you enjoyed honest storytelling from local Christian women, sign up for free to get stories like this in your inbox on Wednesdays ❤️

Bethany Smith— Regular Contributor

Bethany grew up on the South Coast of NSW, moved to Sydney for university, and met her husband, Matt, while studying at Moore Theological College. They moved to Perth in 2020 to share the gospel with university students at UWA. They’ve since had three children who she spends her days with, caring for and discipling in the Lord Jesus. Bethany enjoys reading, exercising, baking and attempting to keep her plants alive.